(this starts really weirdy but i’m talking about my relationship with my best friend ^^”)
we’ve been patching and re-patching - somehow we’ve held it together though i have no idea how, so much seems to happen at the moment. we’ve been on the rocks a lot recently. my form tutor jokes that we’re married and we practically are: she’s the dedicated working husband, and i’m the overly-emotional wife who appears to do very little as far as the outside world is concerned. i don’t support gender roles in any shape or form but i just think in this case it lends itself well as an explanation.
today someone told me that she’d said something about me behind my back, which as it turned out when they told me what it was was not remotely true. it was in fact her who held this opinion. now, we’ve talked about this before, one of our ‘fights’, if they can be called that, was a result of a misunderstanding over this (i thought one thing, she thought a different thing, both of us were wrong… it’s a long and rather fruitless story).
so i basically blew up over this thing that wasn’t actually a big deal. and when i say blew up, i mean it. i swear i scared over half the people who were in the stix at the time out of the way. it was a straw-camel-back sort of deal. she was in lesson, so i was all prepared to be have a reasonably calm discussion with her the next time i saw her. but this moment came sooner than i’d anticipated, so i ended up yelling at her.
and it actually turned out i’d been grossly misinformed. basically the opposite of what i was told had been said was said. and i’d accidentally, in what was virtually blind anger, let it be known that it was in fact her view, and not mine. only to the person who’d told me about this luckily, somehow i’d managed to keep the exact nature of the topic discreet.
i felt terrible about telling them that, and i’m a bit worried that i said some things during my outburst that i didn’t mean. i didn’t have objects to throw, so i used words instead. later she told me that she does not in fact hold this opinion any more, but i’m wondering if that was just tactile in case this happens again. it’s difficult to tell.
if she wanted to, she could share my opinions on a different matter. so i suppose in that respect we’re even.
it’s hard though. i always feel so inferior to her. she’s held a steady job for years: i can’t manage to get so much as an interview. she’s met almost every single deadline she’s ever been set: i can hardly make myself go to my lessons at all, sometimes even sixth form. on friday she donated blood: i went to a so-called “movie night” and drank myself into a stupor
albeit i can’t actually donate my blood as it’s not up to scratch. i’m always worried that i’m never going to get anywhere in life and now that i find myself constantly comparing myself to her i feel even worse about my prospects. we’ve actually had a conversation about this before. she says she wishes she was more like me too. except that all of the traits she listed were useless things vaguely interesting quirks, like cosplaying. i’d gladly sacrifice my ‘ability’ to pretend to be someone else twice a year for just half of her organisational skills. i don’t know how to get out of this kind of mindset: i’ve never held such self-destructive admiration for anyone before. i am not a good person.
okay, now i have to go and put a pound in my
self-loathing negative thought jar. make that two.
things i have learnt from this:
- confront people calmly before making assumptions that what you have been told is true
- don’t lose faith in your friends
- i should follow anon’s advice and make myself “worthy (but equal)” instead of being miserable that i perceive myself to be not good enough
thanks for listening tumblr
from wednesday november 20th, for some reason posted to my main blog
this is one of the few positive posts i’ll probably make on here. i caon’t put it on my main becayse the person t’s about has my main, and they can’t know because my ftriend likes them to and o’m 85% sure they don’t like me.
except that we slept togeting. slept as in sleeping. curled around each other with our legs entwined and hands in hair. stroking tendrils and faces and exposed skin, necks and waists. this probably sounds better in my head than it does on here. i’m hust worried becayse i’m a wee but drink that i’ll have forgotten this tomorrow. and i don’t want to forget.
he cut his cheek. on purpose. while i was there. i cried before i’d even found out it was intentional. it’s like i have some sort of sixth sense for self-harm. so i cried for him. and i wanted to help him. we were nose to nose at one point, and i could see all the small marks he’d made. i ran my fingers over them and he let me. they say that people kissing scars is fake, but if i could be sure that he wouldn’t remember in the morning i would have kissed the shallow marks he’d made.
that’s why i was willing to cuddle with him. well, one of the reasons. i would have anyway. but i still feel sad now. while we were snuggled up i tried to sort of talk to him about it, and it went well - i;d been waiting to bring it up for ages and the other two had gone upstairs then so i thought that would be the best time. but i didn’t believe him when he said he’d be fine. as badly as i wanted to, i just couldn;t. even behind the slurring he didn’t sound sincere.
i wish i could have stayed all night. despite appearing to be skin and bone he was surprisingly comfortable and warm. i’ve realised i have body issues because when his hand moved towards my stomach i stopped him. he didn’t know what he’d done but he apologised anyway. bless him.
like, he can be kind of a jerk sometimes, but in a nice way, but then it’s like it’s probbaly just because of all this other stuff. like how he can’t find a proper job and his mother can’t afford to support him and he probably can’t go to uni because his grades aren’t good enugh. i told him that life was always hard, and that he souldnt be hard on himself.
i heard my dad knock long before i went out. he’d finally become peaceful, settled into a less frantic style of breathing, and i didn’t want to have to disturb him: not to untangle myself or to get him to unlock the front door. so now i feel all heart-achey because i feel like what i did wasn;t enough. even though i felt like i spent most of the night being a pillow or a daifuku or stroking his hair. ugh i hope i don’t have a crush on him.
hm, i think it’s a little to late for that kind of hope.
he said this thing about being a dragon and i didn’t completely understand but i think it was somehting like he doesn’t really know how to deal with his emotions. i don’t know. whatever ut was i had to spend longer eith him because of it. god how i wish i could have stayed. it’s the most platonic (non-sexual/possibly also on-romanitc) yearning i’ve ever felt.
i should sleep now though. even if it’s without him. i should sleep.
it concerns me deeply that i couldn’t sleep the sad away. i wanted to wake up and feel normal. for me normal is wishing for several more hours’ sleep, and wishing that i didn’t have to go to lessons so i can just sit in the stix all day. but i woke up different, wrong: i didn’t want to get out of bed at all today. i didn’t want to have to go places and see people. but i didn’t even want to go back to sleep, because my dreams reflected my state of mind.
so now i know what’s bothering me. and it’s incredibly disappointing, because i’m right back where i started. i don’t see why i can’t just do the same thing, and immerse myself in school work and university applications and funny little arcade games. i wish i didn’t attach myself to one person. it’s not fair on them either. why should they have to talk to me and spend time with me out of choice rather than necessity.
she seems so well put together, so determined and in control. and she’s pretty, so so pretty. and then i’m skulking in the corner, deformed and disorganised, with little to no motivation to do anything productive. no, actually, i’m not motivated to do unproductive things either.
no wonder she has so many other things in her life. who wouldn’t want to be a part of her existence. i know i do. and no wonder i have so few things. because who in their right mind would want to involve themselves with someone like me.
i shouldn’t be hurt by the fact that she’s good-looking and successful and motivated and organised and busy. i should feel happy, even proud. and i want to. and i do, in a way. i am proud. definitely. but it doesn’t make me happy. it just causes me pain.
i don’t believe that it’s my fault that i’m like this. but it probably is. how hard is it to pick up a pen and finish your work? is it that difficult to start a conversation with someone? if i straightened my hair and dressed differently, maybe i could be better. if i stopped eating bread and rice and pasta and had smoothies for breakfast and only ate fruit at school, eating at school at all once in a blue moon - maybe that would make me better.
but i don’t want to change those things about myself. i don’t want to change the way i dress, or stop eating things that i like, or starve myself at school.
but i’ve already started. today at school all i ate was a cereal bar. because i felt that i shouldn’t eat the rest of what i had. i didn’t deserve it. why was i so greedy that i felt the need to eat more than that? and perhaps even that was too much. maybe i shouldn’t be eating cereal. maybe i should have eaten my grapes instead. i didn’t used to bring fruit to school. too much preparation. but now i pack grapes in my school bag. and now i feel guilty every time i eat a sandwich.
denying myself things makes me feel out of control, because unless it’s something like a chocolate bar, i know it’s perfectly acceptable to eat whatever it is. but now i feel like i oughtn’t eat anything save breakfast and dinner. she preaches five small meals a day but i’ve yet to see her eat even one. a banana is not a meal.
maybe she feels out of control. people control their food intake when they feel like they can’t control anything else. maybe she’s just as lost as i am. but i don’t feel like that’s true.
i missed two of my five lessons today. it didn’t make me feel any better. and i know she wouldn’t have missed a single one. she would have pushed through. but i didn’t feel like i could. i still don’t. i don’t feel like i can do anything. even moving my fingers across the keyboard seems almost beyond my current capacity. i want to go to sleep, i was awake for half of last night, but i don’t want to have to dream about her any more. i don’t even remember what happened in my dream. i just remember waking up and remembering she was there, and that whatever she was doing or saying upset me. i’m pretty sure everyone else was agreeing or going along with whatever it was. it was probably stupid, but it was enough to continue my feelings on into today.
i want to talk to her. but i think she’s too busy. but she might just be preoccupied. it’s hard to tell whether it’s physical or mental time which she’s lacking.
when we talk in class she’s nice. but out of class it seems like she wants to talk to anyone but me. there isn’t any sort of middle ground.
i don’t know, i hate being so pathetic.
i do sometimes believe that things would be easier if i wasn’t around.
but i just have to push through sixth form.
like i pushed through upper school, and lower school, and primary school.
i just hope i won’t have to push through university because i’m almost not strong enough for my current situation. i’m hanging onto my higher education by a thread at the moment.
this seems like a lot of writing. and i haven’t even gone over everything that’s troubling me. so i will be brief about the other factors.
i’m worried my dad will have to be sectioned like he was when i was little.
i’m worried i won’t get the grades i need to go to university.
i’m worried they won’t take me on to teach english in japan.
i’m worried i’ll start crying in the middle of school.
i’m worried this whole cycle i’m in will continue past this stage of my life.
i’m worried about what will happen when they take me off the medication.
i’m worried i’ll leave sixth form like i left mainschool.
i’m worried i need to go back into therapy.
i’m worried i’ll stop coming to lessons, or coming to sixth form at all.
i’m worried that my best friend will desert me.
i’m worried about every single aspect of my life right now. and i don’t know what to do to stop feeling this way.
I’m sick of all the stress everyone puts on things like whether you have or haven’t had sex. “Are you a virgin, Yvonne?” I am, does it matter? Does it matter that a guy hasn’t put his dick inside me? Would I somehow be a different person if it had happened? Do I get some sort of special privledge or medal for having had sex? No??
What do they even mean when they ask this? They know I’m not in a relationship at the moment. Is it a polite way of finding out if I’m a “slut”? I asked them what they meant by “virgin” and they said “have you had sex”. What are the perametres for sex according to these people? What if it turns out I like girls? Would they see it as feesible that a girl could “lose it” to another girl? Or is phallic penetration a necessity in this process?
It’s all just incredibly pathetic really.
Why can’t people ask about things that actually matter. Why can’t people ask if you’ve finished your university application, or found a job, or if they insist on inter-personal relations, if you’re in a happy committed relationship. Sometimes I think it would be better if I was born in my parents’ generation. I could live without wifi ‘cause you can’t miss what you never had. And I could definitely do without all the sexual status bull sh*t.
*breathes* Okay, I’m done now. .-,
i am absolutely sick of almost everyone at the moment
all of my problems seem to be rooted to one guy
and not even a guy i like, because that’s what it sounds like
no, this is an acquaintance
an acquaintance who forced someone to give him my number
and lies enough for all the politicians in britain
and texts “hey hun how u xxx”
and gropes you when you hug him
when you didn’t even want him to hug you in the first place
and apparently doesn’t wash his hair, e v e r
and plans to lock me in a room with one of my guy friends at a party
like, the minute i start actually having friends - well, i had friends before, but i mean like an open friendship kind of thing where you do little social things together and stuff - he basically just comes along and ruins it
i think the only reason i was invited to the party was to set me up with my friend
like, we’re not in a fucking fan fiction, the seven minutes in heaven thing doesn’t actually work in real life, and if you locked me in a room with this guy we’d just end up talking about anime or bitching about people
the worst part is that he didn’t even ask if i would be okay with this. like, if he’d come up to me and asked if i wanted to be set up, i would’ve been okay with it - i mean, i would’ve said no of course, because i only see this guy as a friend, but at least it would have been consentual
i feel like his whole thing just revolves around manipulation
he said that we had tonnes in common but it turns out basically the whole ‘tonne’ is a bunch of crap that’s not even half true
he intimidated one of my friends into giving out my number
and now he’s got this plot to lock me in a room
well, i’m not going to go to the party. i wasn’t definitely going to go anyway, because of mcm and stuff, but now i’m 100% not going. my first drinking experience is not going to involve being basically imprisoned in an unfamiliar house. hopefully there’ll be a christmas party which i can go to, and hopefully he won’t be able to go, because this is just ridiculous.
4 hours in a tea shop with someone lovely
then a moment’s thought about you and i’m barren
barren of all good thought or positive feeling
i want to rip your pages from my non-existant diary
even though i don’t deserve to feel like this
like something impure on the bottom of a shoe
or a woodlouse exposed to sunlight
to be mocked by more ‘complex’ beings
even though i know it’s just down to you
and it’s your negativity, your bitterness, your twisted perceptions
distorting my own sense of reality
you still make me feel like i’m worth less than nothing
though i fight with my subconscious thoughts
to say i’m not i’m not i’m not
repeating myself and rattling my cage
beating against the bars you made around me
to say i am i am i am worth something
though in all your dogmatism you still cast aside me
one day i will tear myself from your grasp
break these chains of yours that bind me
and hope to hell that i’ll smash through your head
to show you what a monster you have made yourself
and rip these old eyes, old thoughts from you
make you better
i want to heal you after all this
because after i walk out of here
there will be no one else to care
no one else to sacrifice themselves for you
and you’ll be alone
but i don’t want you to be
i still care
i probably always will
and you won’t even read this
hate the way you make me feel two inches tall without lifting a finger.
i hate that you make me so miserable.
i hate how you’ve so suddenly changed into something else.
i hate that even though i don’t believe it, it still pains me.
i hate that i’ve cried over you more times than i can count.
i hate that the fact above means nothing to you.
i hate the way you speak to me so negatively.
i hate the way your bile-tinged words sting me.
i hate the fact that you almost constantly occupy my thoughts.
i hate that you make me feel so bitter, so hopeless.
i hate the way the corners of your smile stab into my chest.
i hate that you don’t know how chatastrophic the damage you do to me is,
and i hate that even if you did know you wouldn’t care
and you’d say that it’s my will to feel like the way i do
even though i wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.
i hate your indifference to me
when even though you make me suffer so, i still care for you.
but most of all, i hate that you have so much control over me,
that you have the power to do all this in the first place.
crush my dreams and i’ll crush your hand
cage my thoughts i’ll break the bars
my mind was not meant for you
i aspire to be more than this
and if it means leaving you behind me
then that’s a sacrifice i’m willing to make
i never asked for your interpretation
for your twisted views to be bestowed
my scars will heal and bonds will be broken
you must know darkness to see stars
if necessary i will see you as a comodity
because you treat me as a comode
pour your darkness into a new vessel
i was not meant for your bitter touch
you handle me like a sturdy doll
once loved but now cast aside more oft
but i know how to break this chain
i’ll break your heart if needs be
i will not let you drown me in your sorrow
i will not let you hold me down
i will not let you steal away with hope
i will not let you ruin this for me
your zodiac was right: you are self-absorbed. you just go around saying whatever comes to mind with no regard for other people’s feelings. you must be pretty fucking dense if you can’t see the difference between the two. or maybe you’re just looking for faults. nit picking. recently everything that’s come out of your mouth has been absolute shit, and now here you are degrading everything i hold dear to me. i wouldn’t dream of saying such things about something you love. even if it was my honest opinion - which i hope with all my heart yours isn’t because if you’re truely as small-minded, petty, and uninhibitedly crass as you’re being at the moment then this friendship isn’t going to last for much longer. if i have anything critical to say i always make it constructive at the very least. often i actually don’t say anything negative at all, save telling you that it’s not my sort of thing or the likes. it’s really not at all difficult to exercise a little common courtesy with these sort of matters. and because i myself am so courteous, i’ve strung together a number of complex words in reply that i know you won’t recognise so that i can spare you the potental heartache, the heartache which you have caused me. sometimes my own kindness astonishes me at times such as this. i only hope you can learn from it.