sometimes i’m just intentionally insensitive because i’m the sort of person who likes to get some sort of revenge but in a way so that only i know it because it’s more satisfying and, i find, more healthy. like when i said to someone i’d put a school letter in their pidgeon hole and i hadn’t so she had to go back and get one. that was my revenge. that’s the kind of thing i do. and i think that’s a good thing, because it doesn’t escalate, if they notice anything at all it just seems like an honest mistake, or something they’ve misinterpreted.
if you’re going to tell me that i’m not capable of things, or point out my physical flaws, or go on about how easy my life is compared to yours, et cetera, then this sort of thing will happen.
for someone who has come from another country, you’re pretty fucking small-minded about other cultures. and just in general to be honest. i will not be friends with a homophobe, someone who keeps going on about not being a lesbian (your sexuality is neither here nor there in how i percieve you or act towards you) and wishing that you’d been born asian. personally i think that you’d find some sort of physical trait to complain about no matter how you looked.
wishing for things that can physically never happen is fucking stupid.
i’m glad you can’t come to japan, because you’d just be going on about how hot everyone is and how you wish you could be like them. you’d tell me i’m doing everything wrong when you’re not even trying to assimilate like you’re supposed to. i am not going to be reliant on a person who is never there when i need them.
we just need to get through this last year of sixth form on whatever the hell this relationship is, and then move on. okay?
when i know how sad some people are it makes me want to cry because i used to feel like that all the time and it’s really hard to get past it, and the only reason i managed to do that was because my mum gave me her anti-depressants because she didn’t need them any more, because i needed them and doctors wouldn’t prescribe me any, and they worked and i’m so glad they did because i don’t know if i’d be here if they hadn’t. then when i had to be assessed by a psychiatrist it all came out and my mum was crying loads because she thought she’d be in trouble and i was really scared that they’d take them away, but instead they assessed my response to the medication and gave me my own prescription for it. but the idea of not having the medication terrified me, and i know i won’t be coming off them for at least another year - at the very least - but it still scares me that one day i won’t have them any more because i still have a really vivid memory of how things were without them. i remember standing in the doorway between the livingroom and the kitchen clutching the doorjamb and sobbing until i felt like i was going to pass out because i was so afraid of what i might end up doing to myself. that’s all i’ll say about that, because i don’t really like to remember in the sort of detail that one can write down. it’s good to remember your struggles and grow from them, but personally i feel that knowing that you were a certain way is enough. i really help that all of the people i’ve spoken to get the help they need and recover, because life is utterly shit when you have no control over it (all these people are in full-time education still) but once you get past that it’s going to be so much better. i live in hope.
at first i thought networks were a great idea, but now i feel like they only exist to exclude those who don’t fit into a particular box which other people have made for us. tumblr was a place that i felt i could really belong, where i could be myself and be accepted for that, but now it’s like i’m in a classroom and the teacher tells everyone to work in groups, and i get this horrible feeling of nervousness and dread because i don’t have anyone to go with. tumblr used to be like one big dysfunctional community to me but now everyone’s divided up and it’s like some sort of bizarre stereotypical american middle school during lunch break and i’m the girl eating her lunch in the bathrooms. it’s conformity, it’s preassure, it’s cliques: it’s everything i thought tumblr didn’t stand for. and i don’t like it, i don’t like it at all.
i have to write a whole script plan type thing for lessons from auschwitz all because stupid jamie didn’t show up for filming on friday. i hope i can submit it as solely my own work, because that’s what it will be. he’s not replying to any of my messages, so i’m having to do everything all by myself and it’s really frustrating because i’m bad at things. the deadline is tomorrow. the same day as my mother’s birthday and i haven’t finished her gift yet. i want to go back to bed and eat lots of ice cream and watch kyo kara maoh. but i have to get this done. for university. because i think that i can angle the project to cover psychology. the after effects of visiting auschwitz and whatnot. i wish i’d got the contact details of some of the other ambasadors, they were really intelligent and nice and well-spoken and i could ask them about how they reacted. what i really wanted to do was interview people on their responses. but it’s too late now. i hate having all of these obligations to others, it’s so inconvenient, especially as it wouldn’t be considered proper decorum to phone him up and ask what the fuck he’s playing at. maybe we should just do a powerpoint in assembily. that’s what i’ve been advised to do: outline my intentions and plan something for a later date. my japanese is improving but i struggle with the whole ‘talk to yourself and translate the things you want to say’ because i basically need to translate everything. i don’t know how to not ruin everything and it’s scary because university is my whole future. it’s my chance to start again and i can’t let that pass.
i feel like i’m wasting my life but can’t think of anything to do about it. i can’t find a job. they say that money doesn’t guarentee happiness, which is true, but i think i would be happier if i had a steady income of sorts. i just want some thing to occupy my time other than blogging and anime. like, what am i supposed to be doing? if i can’t find a job, what am i physically supposed to do?
also, i’m really annoyed that jamie didn’t contact me yesterday. i want to get this project done. the deadline’s july 29th - that’s three days away. and in that time i have to submit something. but i can’t make a video by myself and i can’t think of anything else to do.
generally i just feel scared that i’m missing oppurtunities.
but at the same time i just want to hide away in the dark of my room.
i hate it when you are having a bad day and everyone takes it personally. like, no, i hate myself, not you. get the fuck over yourself.
just because you have other things
doesn’t mean you can just push me out of your life whenever you feel like it
i’m not here as a convenience to you
i’m not some sort of play thing for when you get bored
or when you have nothing else to do
and need something to entertain you for a few hours
i’m a person
i’m a person with thoughts and feelings just like you
so before you snap at me
remember that the things i do for you
are not because i have to
but because i want to
because i care
and deep down i like to think you care too
i don’t see why you can talk to everyone except me. i hope you’re not doing what she did and are avoiding me just because i know about something terrible that happened to you. because i’m definitely not treating you any differently. the last thing you said to me was some sort of confirmation that we should meet up sometime this week.
and now we are. or rather, if i’m invited we are. but i got so angry when i found out that you’d been speaking to everyone except me that i had to take a shot to calm me down. it didn’t have the desired affect though, it just made me angry in a happy way, like someone who relishes the feeling of wanting to punch you in the face, and not because you’re hot. at the moment, to me, you’re the opposite of hot. you’re cold. and i never thought you were a cold person. i thought you were straightforward, but you’re not even that. it’s pathetic, the way you criticise the way i deal with conflict when your own methods are—
are fucking stupid. you just avoid everything. don’t you dare fucking ignore my calls or not reply to my messages when you can reply to every other fucking person on the planet. don’t act like i don’t exist just because you’re jealous and because my parents actually support me, because i have a whole other fucking kettle of fish to deal with. you lack empathy to the point where you can’t even feel yourself. and again, if this was because you were depressed or something of the likes, i’d be more understanding - a lot more understanding - and i’d try to help you. but instead you just… it’s like you’re stabbing me in the back but you don’t actually care enough to be there while you’re doing it. and everyone knows it’s just cowardice to attack someone from behind.
you’re the least straight forward person i’ve ever met. and the sad thing is that i actually look(ed) up to you. i really admire(d) you. i love(d) you. you were the most wonderful person in the world to me, and i thought you’d never leave me, but you’re just like everyone else. you said you were different but you’re not. you’re just like everyone else. that’s why you have to go on about the gap year so much, because for you it’s not real. well it is for me. and in all honesty, i don’t think i want you there. i’d rather go half way around the world by myself than go with a person i can’t trust.
so now i’m bitching about you to a guy in one of my classes, and he’s bitching about one of his friends too. we’re supporting each other through all the crap you both put us through. like, we’re not even that close and he’s being supportive. this is what you should be doing. you shouldn’t be the one fucking me over, you should be the one i come to when i’m so upset i’m shaking.
and he’s helping me with all of this shit because WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE BETTER and one day you’ll be left with nothing and we’ll have everything and only then will you truely appreciate all of the things i did for you
it’s getting to the point where i don’t actually care. i don’t care if you’re upset or stressed or busy. i don’t care if you’re just ignoring me. because i can’t afford to care about you when i have to look after myself. it sounds selfish but it’s true. at the end of the day you’re going to leave too and i know that and i’ve accepted that, and in all honesty it’s probably going to be a good thing because you put me through all this shit and don’t appreciate me. no wonder you struggle to make and keep friends if this is how you treat them. we were thrown together and then i decided to tolerate you: that’s how we became friends. and the reason we’re still friends now is probably just that it’s convenient. maybe i don’t really mean this, and maybe that’s not how it is at all, but at this moment that’s how it feels. i feel like i’m just a convenience for you, and i’m sick of all of this tiptoeing around and waiting for you to stop being so… whatever you’re being. i told you that you could tell me if you were upset, and that i’d be here for you whenever you need me, and i am. it’s not a turn of phrase or a spoken courtest, i am genuinely there should you need me. and it makes me sick that you can’t do the same for me. so i’m going to immerse myself in art and books and digging alotments and cleaning and pointless craft homeworks, because at the moment i don’t feel like you’re worth my trouble, and it seems odd that just weeks ago i was convinced that i was in love with you. and if i am in love with you and that’s what all this stuff is, then it fucking sucks and i hope my soul becomes as black as my mascara because at least with you it honestly doesn’t feel worth it at all.
i’m tired of you ignoring me. i’m tired of having to try and communicate with you and getting nothing in return. because in a lot of things in life, you don’t do things to get stuff back - holding doors, baking cakes, catching moths— wait, no, even then you get a ‘thank you’. but communication is one of those things where you want, no, need something back. you need the other person to acknowledge the fact that you exist and that you’ve been trying to reach out to them because considering the facts, you’re probably just as lonely as me but in a different sense. you’re surrounded by all these people who don’t take you seriously and don’t listen to you and don’t care how their choices have an impact on you. well i do. i listen to you and i care about you and i believe in you, and i want you to be happy. but i want me to be happy too. everyone deserves to be happy, you see. even me. you know i need people to feel like i exist. i need you to pull me back to earth, to reality, to what is and away from this void of nonexistance, of intangibility and invisibilty and insignificance. even though i know you care, and i know you don’t mean to make me feel this way, it still hurts me that you do. every time i send you a message and you don’t reply, it makes my chest ache and my head hurt because it makes absolutely no sense that you can’t just say something to me. it also hurts because i know you’re either upset or under preassure or both and you won’t let me help. i want to help. completely and utterly genuinely, i want to help you. and the fact that you won’t let me is really difficult for me to comprehend. the way you log in only to log out again makes it feel like it’s because of me. maybe it is, but i’m trying really hard to not let myself think that, because i’ll only end up crying on the phone to you or writing a stupidly long message only to have you call me selfish and claim that i have an easy life where everything is at my fingertips. maybe that is because as we have different struggles, you can’t put yourself in my position. and maybe that’s why you appear so negligent and uncaring at the moment. some people just can’t think in that sort of way, and it’s okay. i’ll give you time. but there will be a point in the future where i break too, and when i break i shatter everywhere. and when i break i’ll shatter on you.